If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.