Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
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It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire