The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.