If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
i- i did not expect this
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…