*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
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I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.