kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
You Might Also Like
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
How times have changed.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.