The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men