Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Did my cat write this
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
i was baptized in a car wash