I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I had to Stop for this
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.