Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
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ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.