A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
i will avenge u mr van gogh
So true for me
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..