[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*