girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Nice try, NASA
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver