[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”