Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
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This will teach them to underestimate me
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
*sewing*
A thread
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.