The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Usage Guidelines
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.