a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
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Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
next level snooze
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.