Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.