Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
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I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..