one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
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2022 be like
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.