I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo