no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
In Canada they just call them geese
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?