[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
At least he brought enough for everyone
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Autocorrect completely socks
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.