Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them