this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep