We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
😏😏😏
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…