Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
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[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”