I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze