You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.