I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
it be like that
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food