[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Cool shirt 🙂
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee