perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
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Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso