Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
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Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
me irl
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I think we should hear other voices.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
True
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.