Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
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Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.