Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
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This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…