Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.