Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
#gardening
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.