It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
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I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Intelligence is the new cleavage
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels