I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
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Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Happy Halloween 🎃