[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
So inspired right now.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?