Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
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My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
🥶🥶🐶🐶
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…