I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
My dad teaching me to drive
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”