Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.