I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Mhm.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.