Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
You Might Also Like
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
That’s classic.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.