Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.