I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
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Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.