Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
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Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign