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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.