Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
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I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
October already? What’s next? November????
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.